After our last failed cycle I was already making plans to use donor eggs and as I mentioned in previous post DH was not on board and said he doesn’t want anymore kids… I obviously lost the plot and I am sure it was just to calm me down he agreed to one more cycle.
Ever since then, anytime I would bring it up he would just shut down. Last night I brought home some profiles put them on the table and told him to look through those when he is ready. His whole face dropped and his mood completely changed. He didn’t even glance at the stack of profile. Instead, he layed down on the couch and went to sleep. Now at this point I would have lost my shit but I didn’t. I realised he really doesn’t want this. I cant force him to do – as much as I want to. So I picked up the profiles, tossed them in the drawer, went to our room and shut the door. I layed in bed for a long time just thinking and knowing what I should do but I don’t have the courage to say it out loud. So I sent him a text – silly I know. “I am cancelling the treatment. It is clear you don’t want this and I am not gonna force you”
I was sad, angry, heartbroken and confused. But I didn’t scream and shout like I usually would have. I just feel defeated. Defeated at life. I cant even look him in the face and haven’t really spoken to him since. What if this feeling grows into hatred and resentment, I could be losing my dream and my marriage. Should I leave, try on my own. What if that doesn’t work and then I have no baby and no marriage.
I have no idea what to do. I can feel the time ticking away from me and the more time I take to decide the more my chances decrease.
I am going to keep my appointment with my RE as he is a gynae as well. So gonna have him just do a general check up and request that he checks my AMH and FSH just to see where I am at at the moment.